Leaving Him Behind
by Rinn Harridan
Summary: Shepard makes a hard choice, one she knows that will break her heart but keep Kaidan safe.


Shepard had been through and experienced a lot in her life and as she lay curled up in a warm cacoon of bed sheets listening to the rain, she realised just how much in her life she wanted to forget. She wanted to forget the massacre on Mindoir during which she saw her parents murdered. She wanted to forget her crew screaming as they were dragged to their deaths on Akuze. She wanted to forget the faces of the people she'd failed to save, like Jenkins and Ash, that haunted her dreams and she wanted to forget the vision of the Protheans being slaughtered that the beacon on Eden Prime had burnt into her brain. However, Shepard's entire life wasn't doom and gloom. There was one bright spark that made living that much easier for her. Shepard only needed to think of him when the darkness of her past weighed her down and made it hard for her to breath and she would find that extra ounce of strength to help her push through it. Rolling over, Shepard smiled as saw him sleeping peacefully beside her with a hint of a smile on his lips. Kaidan even managed to look gorgeous when he was asleep. Untangling on arm from her cacoon, Shepard reached over and gently ran her fingers across the tanned skin of his exposed arm and shoulder. The transition from Kaidan being just a lieutenant to being 'her' lieutenant had been a subtle on. First there had been their regular chats at Kaidan's work station that had slowly become more intimate the more they got to know each other. Shepard smiled slightly as she remembered the look on Kaidan's face when he'd inferred that she was special to him and the first time he'd called her Shepard. Then there had been the 'almost kiss' after Udina had sold them out and locked down the Normandy and then there had been the night they'd spent together before Ilos. No man had ever made her feel the way Kaidan had that night. At first Shepard had thought that making love to him had been so amazing because the threat of imminent doom had been hanging over their heads and they were worried about losing each other. This had proven not to be the case and all the nights she'd spent with Kaidan since then had proven to be just as wonderful.

"I don't know how I'd have gotten through the past few months without you," Shepard murmured as she ran her fingers through his untidy black hair and smiled at him lovingly. "You have no idea how much I . . ."

Shepard trailed off, not wanting the first time she told Kaidan she loved him to be when he was asleep and unable to hear her.

"I believe the words you're looking for are 'love you'," Kaidan mumbled, his arm wrapping around Shepard's waist and pulling her against him.

"How long have you been awake?" Shepard smiled as she snuggled against her lover and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"A while," Kaidan said as his deep brown eyes opened and he grinned sleepily at her. "Not even I can sleep through your snoring."

"I don't snore!" Shepard said indignantly.

"I beg to differ," Kaidan replied as he began kissing her neck and shoulder. "Now, I believe you were saying something about me having no idea."

"You know what I was going to say," Shepard mumbled as she felt heat rapidly rising in her cheeks.

"I do," Kaidan replied as he stopped kissing her and looked her in the eye. "But I still want to hear you say it."

"Fine," Shepard said with an over exaggerated sigh. "I love you."

"See, was that so hard?" Kaidan teased as he playfully kissed her. "I love you too."

As they lay beneath the sheets kissing and caressing one another, Shepard began to wonder if she could follow through on the decision she'd made while recovering in the Normandy's med-bay after the siege of the Citadel. The mission ahead, put simply, was considered a suicide mission and that meant that no one expected Shepard or her crew to come back alive. Shepard knew the risks and she knew that there was no way she could knowingly put Kaidan in harm's way, so if keeping him safe meant sacrificing her relationship with him and leaving him behind, she was willing to do it. It was ironic to Shepard that whenever she seemed to have something good in her life, she could never hold on to it, but horrible things stayed with her no matter how much she willed them away.

"Alright, alright, that's enough," Shepard grinned as she flipped Kaidan onto his back and sat on his stomach. "We only have one day of leave left and I don't intend to spend it sleeping."

"Fine," Kaidan said with a roll of his eyes as Shepard climbed off him. "On one condition. You have to walk around the house naked tomorrow."

"The things I'll do to get a good night's sleep," Shepard smiled as she kissed Kaidan's cheek and then rolled over. "Night."

"Night," Kaidan replied before he rolled over too.

**oooooooooo**

It didn't take long for Kaidan to fall asleep, but Shepard laid there for quite some time after he started snoring just to make sure he was in a deep enough sleep. It was very, very early in the morning when she finally wriggled out from under the covers and started picking up her clothes which were scattered all over the bedroom. Once she'd pulled on her white shirt, black pants and boots, Shepard gathered the rest of her belongings and placed them in her ruck sack. Slinging it over her shoulder, she stood staring at Kaidan for a few moments before heading out into the kitchen. She and Kaidan had returned to Earth for their shore leave and had decided to spend it in a beautiful, rustic house on the beach that she'd brought several years ago. Walking over to the bench, she grabbed the pen and paper and started writing the letter she'd been wording in her head all night. This wasn't Shepard's first choice of ways to break it off with Kaidan, but any other way would result in an argument which she would eventually lose because Kaidan was perhaps the only person in the universe she couldn't say no to.

_Dear Kaidan,_

_I never thought I'd say this, but I'm taking the coward's way out. Facing a group of Rachni, no problem. Facing you and saying what I need to say, that's not so easy. I love you, and I want you to keep that in mind in the hope that it'll help you understand why I've left. You've been the best thing that's ever happened to me and I'll never be able to thank you enough for all that you've done and all that you've helped me through. The mission I'm about to embark on may very well be my last. If you came with me and something happened to you, I don't think I'd have the strength to keep on fighting. That's why I've left you behind. I know you're probably angry with me right now, but as long as you're safe, that's all that matters._

_Love Shepard._

Tearing off the sheet of paper, Shepard folded it in half, scribbled Kaidan's name on it and then propped it against the coffee machine. Kaidan couldn't function in the morning until he'd had a cup of coffee. The thought of Kaidan in the morning with messy hair and a dopey smile made Shepard smile, but she quickly pushed it out of her mind and slipped silently out the front door. Pulling out her communicator, she tuned it to the Normandy's contact frequency and seconds later Joker's face appeared.

"Ma'am," the pilot said with his usual cheeky grin. "I wasn't expecting to hear from you."

"Hey Joker," Shepard said with a forced smile. "How soon can you get the Normandy to the port you dropped Alenko and I off at?"

"I can have her there within an hour," Joker said with a hint of surprise. "Don't tell me you and Alenko are cutting your leave short."

"No, only I am," Shepard replied. "I'll explain it to you when I'm back on board."

"I think I already understand," Joker said with a small nod. "See you in an hour."

When her communicator powered down, Shepard slipped it back in her pocket, took a deep breath and turned to look back at the house.

"Goodbye . . . Lieutenant Alenko."


End file.
